Assholes finish first by Tucker Max & Maddox

Author:Tucker Max & Maddox [Tucker Max & Maddox]
Language: eng
Format: epub
Tags: Humour
ISBN: 9781416938743
Published: 2010-01-31T08:00:00+00:00

With that handled, it was time for the RV crew to head back home. The drive was grinding. The keg was tapped, the beers that hadn’t been launched at cars on Saturday were now empty, and we’d even emptied the bar.

The RV looked like it had been looted. Blood, feces, urine, cum, menses, beer, liquor, and grape jelly covered every surface. At least half of the interior was ripped out, ripped up, or broken. The stove no longer had anything removable on it; grills, knobs, everything had been either tossed out the window or broken for drunken enjoyment. The pillows, curtains, and curtain rods were long gone. Ever seen a picture of Detroit? That’s what our RV looked like.

Surveying the damage, TheGinger was catatonic. Sippy had a thousand-yard stare. He looked like a fresh military recruit who’d been rushed into battle, seen the worst carnage imaginable, and left part of his soul on the battlefield. PigPen was so proud that he’d had sex with a real, living girl that he refused to shower or clean himself. He smelled like the panty hamper of a sorority house.

Tucker “Hey, TheGinger, remember how worried you were about the cleaning deposit? Seems like it was yesterday.”

TheGinger “The cleaning deposit? At this point, I’m seriously worried they’re going to make me buy the RV!”

Soylent “There’s a solution to that.”

Soylent pulled some matches out of his backpack.

Soylent “You bought the insurance. We can always just torch it.”

Sippy “WHAT?!? Haven’t we had enough police contact this weekend?”

Tucker “It would be a fitting end to the weekend.”

We discussed the pros and cons of setting the RV on fire and trying to claim a total loss on it, but TheGinger was too paranoid we’d get caught. He ended up canceling his credit card before we got the RV place, and we made sure to return it after they closed, so we didn’t have to be there.

Everything in my life changed after that. That weekend represented the end of an era for me. It was my last truly reckless, balls-to-the-wall, risk-everything-because-I-have-nothing-to-lose weekend. Christ, how the fuck do I top that? Burn down a city? I mean, I basically did the maximum amount of awful, illegal shit without crossing the line into a serious felony. To go any farther, I’d have to do something that even I couldn’t walk away from. I did plenty of crazy shit after that, but nothing quite like the TuckerFest weekend. I think part of me knew that I’d pushed the limits to their absolute breaking point and it was time to ease up on the throttle. I still sometimes marvel that we all made it out of that night alive. Soylent read the first draft of this story and said:

“Reading it on paper, it almost doesn’t seem real. And I was there.”

It was also the first time I’d thought of myself as a “celebrity.” Even though I was just a ridiculous celebrity judge of a broke-dick wrestling event in New Jersey, it was the start

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